心が重い Heavy-Heart Days

It's wickedly cold outside (and inside!), and the holidays are over. Yep, time for post-holiday blues as "real" life comes rushing back! This week has been busy dealing with difficult and/or uncomfortable family business, on top of regular back-to-work/school and all of that. This has led me to think even more about communication.

Language is one tool for humans to communicate with one another, but most definitely not the only one. Body language, tone of voice, etc. add so many layers to the words we speak. Perhaps the most important element of all, though, is a willingness to hear, understand, and feel the heart of the person you are communicating with. Lack of willingness, whether from disinterest in the other party, being too tired/stressed because of all the daily things we all must deal with, or other reasons, seems to be the biggest barrier to meaningful communication.

Today, I had a meeting with my sister-in-law and her relatives to straighten out a misunderstanding. Though there were undoubtedly hurt feelings/worries on both sides, everyone was willing to talk with an open mind, and an accord was reached. That was/is very satisfactory.

It brings me to my next worry, however, the strength and expectations related to family ties. The idea of connection between families, and subsequent obligations as well, is much stronger here than what I grew up with. My spouse's family probably could be defined as dysfunctional, and gradually the requests from relatives for the care of the specific family members is coming to rest on my shoulders. EEK! I don't mean that in a cold-hearted way, however, some things it is not my place to deal with (at least, not according to my background...) and some of it I just can't deal with. Still trying to straighten this all out in my head...and feel a few more hairs turning white in shocked reaction. This situation (family responsibilites/care) would be less of a problem if everyone would actually talk with each other about feelings, expectations and needs...sadly, that just won't happen.

Well, not such an uplifting blog entry, but I feel a little better. My goal for now...Talk, smile, share some quality time with someone special today...keep what lines of communication open I can, whenever I can. How about you?

おぞに O-zoni

The New Year starts with o-zoni for breakfast. Each region of Japan has it's own style of o-zoni, and here, it is made with lots of vegetables, white miso and round o-mochi (rice cakes). New chopsticks in a wrapper with an auspicious/celebratory kanji (Chinese character) are used on the first day of the year.

In our house, spouse always makes the first pot of o-zoni. We use a mix of white and red miso (a paste made from soy beans that is used to flavor soups and other food). We usually include Chinese cabbage, onions, leeks, daikon radish, carrots and shungiku (edible chrysanthemum leaves). The final ingredient in the soup is o-mochi. O-mochi is usually round here in our region. They are made from rice that is pounded into dough, then shaped into small cakes. After they cool, they become very hard, but they soften again after simmering in the soup. Son's preference is for grilled o-mochi, but for New Year's morning, we all enjoy it in our soup!

The post carrier has delivered New Year cards, so off to enjoy reading through them!

年越しそば Toshi Koshi Soba

As the end of the year approaches, it's traditional to eat Toshi Koshi Soba. The long noodles symbolize a hope for long life.  They are frequently served with ebi tempura (shrimp) and a very nice dish...even eaten so late!

My noodle-loving son started asking "When are we going to eat soba?" around 10...but had to wait until almost midnight. Poor boy!

Our mix of traditions also includes popping open a bottle of champagne to toast the arrival of the new year. In this digital age, greeting cards also started to arrive on cellphones as well!

Happy 2011 to all! Hope you have a very happy, prosperous year!

New year

Well, after a long absence, I'm back and posting!  It has been an extremely busy fall, but now that the holidays are here, there is time to relax!  (More about other fall events, LATER!)

The B-I-G holiday is...New Year's!  Preparations start far in advance...or should!  Winter cleaning (O-soji), preparing special dishes including rice cakes (o-mochi), o-sechi and more, writing New Year Greeting cards, house decorations, etc.  Then...the holiday finally starts!

It snowed overnight and the 31st was just a freezing day!  I didn't want to leave the house, but had to pick up food to feed the hungry horde!  This year, I ordered o-sechi rather than making it, so food preparation was quite easy this year!  The in-laws made o-mochi, and father-in-law also picked up some seki-han (rice cooked with azuki beans that is eaten on celebratory occasions).  With that at hand, and the fridge stocked, I'm basically free of cooking duties for the next couple of days!

The house is also prepared....could (should!) do more cleaning, but that is a never-ending job. To prepare for the New Year, some decorations are put up. Outside the front door, we hung a special decoration, and in the genkan (entryway), there is a holiday flower arrangement.

Shimenawa above the front door....

New Year's Ikebana arrangement...

This year's arrangement includes matsu (pine), ume (Japanese plum), habotan (ornamental cabbage), kiku (chrysanthemum) and senryo (Sarcandra glabra-don't know the common English name!)

New Year's Eve dinner....The perfect dish to keep one warm on chilly winter nights is...Yose nabe (a combination of ingredients cooked in a large pot of broth) with pork, oysters, squid and tons of vegies + sashimi　=　maguro (tuna-red at top) and hamachi. (young yellowtail)..YUM!  Silver "cup" at the top is what we use to heat o-sake.  Fill it up, then put in a pot of almost boiling water to heat.  Of course, one glass of sake could be easily heated in the finally-replaced-microwave... There were no leftovers!

After dinner, everyone relaxed, watching New Year's Eve specials on TV and texting friends. Even with the heater, it was just so very cold today....

Family crashed out watching ghost stories on TV....

Now, just waiting for the countdown to 2011!

O-haka Mairi or Visiting the Family Grave

Today we made a visit to spouse's family grave.  My father-in-law (FIL) is a younger son, so he "started" his own grave site.  When mother-in-law (MIL) died a few years ago, the grave "stones" were purchased and arranged, along with the Buddhist altar in his home.  My husband, surprisingly enough, is quite careful with observing the visitation periods.  During Higan, around the spring and autumn equinoxes, as well as O-bon (the time when the spirits of the departed return) in August, we always make a visit to the grave site.

The paternal branch of the family has plots at a temple quite close by.  This temple is just up the road from the Shinto shrine where our children were presented at birth and for ceremonies as they've been growing up.  Observing rituals for both, Buddhism and Shintoism, is rather the norm.

The intense heat of this summer, which FINALLY broke today, has left the foliage a bit limp and withered looking.  However, the willows in front of the temple always seem peaceful and cool to me.  The temple grounds are surrounded by homes and another temple, but it feels a step removed from the everyday world. Spouse and son went ahead to the grave site, ducking under the very low entrance to the right. 


Once inside, it resembles a maze!  There really aren't sidewalks, so one must weave around all the grave stones to get to their family's spot.  Truly, there are even dead-ends, so you have to walk back, and weave around to get to where you're going.  There is a very hushed air; everyone quietly tends their family site, and speaks in hushed voices.

The first order of business is preparations to wash the grave stones.  Buckets and water scoops are handily kept near the entrance.  Son is doing the honors, and he has fresh Shungiku in the bag that will be placed on the stones.  As he fills the bucket, the scent from lit incense drifts along in the slight breeze. 

We walk towards the back corner, and there is MIL's resting spot.  The greenery is a little faded, but someone, probably FIL or my sister-in-law, visited quite recently.  If they were more than a day or so old, they would be completely brown!  MIL didn't drink alcohol, so instead of the frequently seen open can of beer or sake, a can of a popular sports drink (that the in-laws drink frequently!) has been left for her.

 On closer inspection, it appears we weren't the only visitors!  If you look closely, a frog has stopped for a rest in the greenery.  Son's perplexed comment, "Hmm...I didn't think Ba-chan (grandma) liked frogs..."  Not sure about that one, but even if her spirit is lingering nearby, I don't think she'll begrudge the little frog it's nap in her greenery!

                                                                             The next step is  washing the stones and replacing the greenery.  A handy little plastic container with scrub brushes, etc is tucked on the far side, to make it easy to do.  The first time son did this, he had to be lifted up to get pour water over the top!  MIL would love to see how much he's grown!

 Once the tidying up is done, it's time to light incense sticks.  There were some difficulties getting the sticks lit...nearly had to trundle off to find some other visitors in hopes of them having a lighter, but the Zippo pulled through in the end.  This is usually a two-person job for some reason!  Today, we'll blame it on the refreshing breeze, and occasional drops of rain!






The incense sticks are then placed on the altar.  Family members stand one at a time in front of it,  clap their hands, then stay in a moment of silence, to pay their respects, etc.  Perhaps some offer prayers; I take a moment to remember MIL and talk to her about the grandchildren she adored. 

Once everyone is finished, we pick up the bucket and the old greenery tidily bundled up in a bag, and weave our way back to the entrance, and back to the busy everyday world that barely intrudes on the temple grounds.

Autumnal Equinox

That's today, and here, it is a national holiday.  With the sporadic rain deluges and thunderstorms that started last evening, son's baseball practice has also been canceled, so we're enjoying a lazy morning.  My agenda for the day is a little translation, a make-up lesson, and a visit to the international library and Starbuck's for a coffee...the last may have end up being canceled as well!!

This morning, spouse said, out of the blue, that we should do "O-haka Mairi," or pay a visit to his family's grave site.  I checked to make sure of the days for paying the visit for Higan, and found some more interesting information about it, and an English reference, too at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Higan .

Wikipedia says, "Higan (彼岸) is a Buddhist holiday celebrated in Japan during both the Spring and Autumnal Equinox. It is observed by nearly every Buddhist sect in Japan. The tradition extends from mild weather that occurs during the time of equinoxes, though the origin of the holiday dates from Emperor Shomu in the 8th century.^[1] People who normally worked in the fields had more leisure time to evaluate their own practices, and to make a renewed effort to follow Buddhism. Today, special services are usually observed in Japanese Buddhist temples, and Japanese temples abroad, based on the particular Buddhist tradition or sect."

I've always enjoyed the holidays for spring and autumn equinoxes, though wondered WHY they were national holidays.  Nice to learn a new thing today!

Has it been so long?

Wow...summer was here, steaming hot, and now is almost gone!  Despite being online daily, I didn't blog...what to say?  Complain about the heat?  Boring.  Whine about the broken a/c?  Depressing and boring! Though broken appliances seem to be a theme of 2010!  Microwave, living room air conditioner, and washing machine all died over the past 6 months.  The last two we've had for 16+ years, and most of my friends say every year after 10 is a bonus.  I've only replaced the washing machine (this weekend, in fact!).  It's been a challenge re-learning non-microwave cooking!  That DOES not mean I used only microwavable foods, but it is challenging to get an entire meal ready at the same time with only two burners on the stove!

Beyond cooking, I've been spending much of my free time (and time when I should be doing housework!) reading.  That is much more entertaining than TV!  Goodreads is my favorite site for my reading addiction now.  I'm pleased to see my favorite pastime being picked up by my child as well.  My son's junior high has a "set-aside" reading time every morning, and for books, not manga, etc., and I'm finding him exploring new worlds in books more often.  Now, just need to find a way to get him more excited about studying, too!

Speaking of which, it's time to go study with my students!